i was gonna go in the kitchen & eat some breakfast

and then my roommate came home. huh. now my mind goes blank. feeling ok enough to write. didn't yesterday or the day before. interesting, just cause I'm sick, its like I stop doing things i normally do to take care of me. getting in the mood, this grayness I love. the pops of color and of course i think how could i not live here. reminded of my attachments. wondering how it will ever be possible for me and my love to live together. in the same place. my life so different. so independent. so just me. there its family. kids. making dinner. ha. cause i don't make dinner here, i really don't. if i go to my notebook to spur ideas, that, so much different with a pen and paper. then keys. sent j that video today. wonder what she'll think. what do i think. i think i look kind of fat, but at the same time I feel good. i felt good making it. my eyes look pretty. feel kinda sexy, smooth and i also notice my overweightness.

so interesting, such an interesting conversation. and my goal currently being, eating what i want when i want. today, need to make sure to sit down when i eat. notice the food, the sensations. its like when i teach scribbling. ha, i teach scribbling. so weird. so many teachers. teachers of art everywhere. how am i different? what have i to offer.

need to eat something. but what, nothing seems appetizing. feel gross. nose icy cold breathing. want joyce to look at the video and comment. what is she doing, science saturday. sigh.kind of started packing, but that task is going to be daunting. really need to start working today. kind of excited about making these books, of course I have questions, wonder if joyce cares if i mention her in this blog thing. younger artists. fresh artists. there. that is where my mind goes. i will not name names here but there is one in particular on my mind. my art. freshness, how so i discover that. finances. finances. FINANCES! i am abundant i know, but do i know? do i really know. where has my abundance gone? or do i not see it. i think of geneen roth losing millions. and, apparently, making it back. i can make mine too. just to live like.. have whatever. not having to choose. but maybe that is not the goal. maybe its still good to choose. to have priorities. mine would be to live on a lake!!!  probably not the ocean. 

I so want a boat, but then again, i don't REALLY want a boat. like i don't want to own it, to take care of it (who will even read this and what the hell will they think? ha.. keep going). the slime. the mold. the replacement parts. i mean, how do you even... sigh. but it was nice being with chris and his family and on the water. on the water. thats where i want to be. and i want to sleep on the water and sleep outside. and honestly, thats where, um.. its all about wanting that fresh connected to nature feeling, so really, you can achieve that many different ways, ya know?

I wonder how often Bruce would feel that. for as crazy as she was, she really did seem to do some good things for herself. sleeping outside. she had that whole porch set up with a bed. it was beautiful. i think about her so much. i wonder if she thinks about me. i bet its not the same, even if she does.. she probably doesn't. our relationship.. i looked at our relationship so differently than she did I think.

Anyway, the kitchen is free, so i'm gonna find SOMETHING to eat. da.. joyce hasn't responded yet...